Hetero Burger

BROWN IN FRIENDS WANK OUTRAGE

2009-05-26T03:18:00.000-07:00

Prime Minister GORDON BROWN faced calls for his resignation yesterday; as he accidentally let slip that he once defiled himself whilst watching a US sitcom.

The revelation is the latest in a series of disastrous setbacks for the beleaguered premier, who was recently described in a nationwide survey as 'less popular than sh*t on toast'.

During a particularly boring Commons debate about the gherkins' right to stay in the UK or something, a tired looking Brown staggered up to the podium and announced:

"Is the right honourable gentleman implying that I masturbated after that bit in Friends where Rachel said she was 'going commando'?"

The outrageous slip-up immediately caused the opposition to explode with incandescent howls of derision from the opposing parties, prompting Brown to quickly issue a denial. However, an independent inquiry into the event concluded that the PM probably did spill his seed over Jennifer Aniston's saucy revelation in a 1996 edition of the popular programme. He has since issued the following apology:

"I would like to unreservedly apologise on behalf of myself for my part in the onanism scandal of the past few days. We are currently taking steps to try and understand why it happened, as well as ensuring it will never happen again."

Brown casually eating Skittles at yesterday's
press conference: bought at the taxpayers' expense

He went on for another two minutes but we didn't really take notice of what he was saying because we were too busy concentrating on that weird thing he does with his mouth.

His reassurances have reportedly fallen on deaf ears, as there are already plans to investigate whether the PM pounded his parsnip a second time, when Rachel wore a Princess Leia costume for some sexy roleplay fun with boyfriend Ross, played by David Koresh.

Opposition leader David Cameron had to have his say, as fucking usual.

"This is a wholly unacceptable breach of the public trust," he chimed "it has robbed Britain of its credibility on the international stage. How can any world leaders look at Mr Brown in the eye, his real one, again when they know what he got up to all those years ago? This is a sad case of a man unable to control his basest desires. He is no better than a beast of the field.

"It's not like you could see her minge or anything.

"Oh yeah, and if he tries to go for the sympathy vote with his cystic fibrosis son during the elections, remember, my son is dead."

When asked if he had performed a similar act after seeing the steamy sitcom, Cameron responded that it was 'of no consequence'.

Just what the fuck kind of shop is Stermat anyway?

2009-03-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

Stermat is a chain of hardware stores in Wales. Here's what I bought there today:

Yes, Squirt Wee Boy. Or, in Germish;

Not to be outdone, the French have Christened the poor fellow...

I mean, I'm probably putting myself in trouble just for putting these pictures online. Let's face it; Squirt Wee Boy is hardly something you're likely to Google unless you're sexually monsterish or just plain demented, so I'd like to make one thing clear - Garçon Pisseur is a children's toy.

Anyway, when I got the little boy in my bedroom I pulled down his pants to see him squirt, but all he could manage was a pathetic dribble. I pulled on his shorts more rigorously and found that this improved the trajectory of his gush. Then, within three seconds, it was all over. I'd broken the cunt thing. Now his shorts won't go back up cos his arse has torn.

Warning: Graphic Content

A creepy plastic hybrid of Bob the Builder and Del Boy Trotter goatseing is as good a conclusion as you're ever gonna get round these parts. Now screw off, you big box of arse chocolates.

Next week: Sweet Shitting Santa

BrewDog Punk IPA: World's wankiest beer?

2009-03-23T09:49:00.000-07:00

A friend bought a bottle of something called Punk IPA to my house on the weekend. The bottle was the most punk thing I've seen since Iggy Pop did that car insurance advert. There was anarchy in the air. I realised the Queen was not a human being, I felt like phlegming on the Union Jack and pouring some beans and cigarette stubs over it, then going to my grandad's and kicking his greenhouse in. How could you not after reading this incendiary blurb;

Robert Mugabe shitting wanky beer, yesterday

BrewDog: Beer for Punks

BrewDog is about breaking rules, taking risks, upsetting trends and unsettling institutions but first and foremost, great tasting beer.

This is not a lowest common denominator beer.

This is an aggressive beer.

We do not merely aspire to the proclaimed heady heights of conformity through neutrality and blandness.

It is quite doubtful that you have the taste or sophistication to appreciate the depth, character and quality of this premium craft beer.

You probably don't even care that this rebellious little beer contains no preservatives or additives and uses only the finest fresh natural ingredients.

Just go back to drinking your mass marketed, bland, cheaply made watered down lager, and close the door behind you.

Now, WAIT A MINUTE! HEAR ME OUT! I'm not like the rest! I'm sophisticated and rebellious like you! I once kicked a bin over, just cos I felt like it! I'm so dangerous and anti-establishment, even my friends are scared of me! Whenever I'm around, they hide and pretend they haven't seen me and can't hear me knocking on the door! Your beer has given me the power to say FUCK YOU, MUMMY!! I WILL GET THAT EARRING, AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR CONFORMIST LITTLE DRONE-LIKE MIND THINKS ABOUT IT!! Umm...can I take the money out of my post office account? AWWW, MUMMM!!!!

All I can say is it's lucky that they don't care what people think about their precious beer, cos two of my friends fucking hated it and couldn't even finish half of a 330ml bottle between them.

Anus from the archives

2009-03-16T06:33:00.000-07:00

I have explosive diarrhoea. I think there's a bug going round, or maybe it could be that I drank a whole bottle of whiskey last night. The thing is, I feel like I've eaten an entire box of Whiskas last night. My question is;

WHY THE FUCK IS THE TOILET THE ROOM WITH THE BEST ACOUSTICS IN THE HOUSE? I live in a bone-quiet place full of crashing bores who actually prefer reading to cool stuff like listening to music or watching telly. The only sound I hear is my mum leafing through her Maeve Binchy garbage, so I'm pretty sure that she can also hear me when I'm defecating. Thunderously. It sounded like I was trying to get the last dregs of Fairy Liquid out of a bottle, only with massive reverb. I suppose I could've pretended I was washing the dishes in there, and flushed them down the lavatory after I'd finished.

Oh yeah, and I was there so long that I started brushing my teeth whilst shitting. Who says men can't multi-task? Well, me for one, cos I drooled a big load of toothpaste right into the arse of my pants. Good news for me in a way, cos now my bottom is minty fresh, but my mum's gonna think something's up when she sees white stains in the back of my pants.

Phil

2009-03-02T09:28:00.000-08:00

Most of you reading this will already be aware of Phil, my man-monkey friend. If you've never heard of him before, read this.

Last night, me, Phil and the guy who lost it with that Scientologist on Panorama went out for a meal, as we do every Sunday evening. Phil had made an effort to look good for once, he was wearing a shirt and tie and his most expensive jewels and stuff, to the effect that he looked almost mayoral. Well, someone who's convinced he's the mayor of Jupiter, anyway.

As we sat down to look at the menu, the conversation went something like:

John Sweeney: "Hmmm, I'm contemplating the soup..."
Me: "I thought you were gonna say you were contemplating suicide!"
John Sweeney: "LOLOL!"
Me: (jokingly) "Relax, we've all contemplated suicide at one time or another!"
Phil: "I've attempted suicide once, when I was a kid!"
Me & John Sweeney: "....................."

And so it was revealed that Phil had tried to kill himself when he was a little boy. Did he have a good reason to want to end it all? Well, yeah. He'd just seen a programme on suicide and decided he wanted to try it. That was it. Killing himself for a laugh.

Luckily, he was as hilariously inept at doing stuff back then as he is now, and his chosen mode of death was tying a belt round the bannister at the top of the stairs and then wrapping it around his neck and jumping to his doom. Of course, the shitty cheap belt snapped and he fell down the stairs, and that was that. Mission aborted.

I mean, what the fuck kind of lighthearted dinner anecdote is that? An unfollowupable one, that's what. You can't outclass a man who's attempted to end his life purely on a whim. He's fucking mental.

Chapter 1: Starts & Beginnings

2009-03-02T05:34:00.000-08:00

Hi. My name's Bryn. It isn't really, but, you know. Fuck you.

Before we get to the rancid meat of this disgusting hetero burger, my emotional Winalot (which ironically involves me losing a lot), here's some jokes about eating human flesh to create an artificial atmosphere of friendliness and calm.

Why did the cannibal cross the road?
For to eat someone's face off.

What did the cannibal have for breakfast?
Scrambled ex on toes.

What did the cannibal have to eat at the Marillion concert?
Fish's fingers.

What's a cannibal's favourite fruit?
Plums.

Why did the cannibal go to Snowdonia?
Cos there's always a bunch of dead fucking idiots lying around the place.

What's a cannibal's favourite dish?
Cock o' van (driver)

Which shampoo is a cannibal's favourite dish?
Head & Shoulders

What's a cannibal's favourite Nick Cave song to eat?
Left Fried Hand

Why did a cannibal throw Simon Weston in the bin?
Cos he was burnt

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That's the thing about first impressions. I always make a pig's anus of them.

However, if you feel compelled to ever return, I will make it worth your while. I've got plenty of stuff to say about poo, wanking and crisps. You know it will enrich your life in ways undreamed of.

Your friend and hero,

Bryn Boranga

2009-02-28T11:41:00.000-08:00